Kagome's Diary
by hip-gal
Summary: It's Kagome's Diary! DUH! Well, she writes personal stuff in it...but there's a catch...AT THE END! SO...R&R! It's kinda waffy, sad and InuKag included.
1. Worst Day

(Disclaimer-This fan-fiction contains material from the well-known Inu- Yasha series, which is not my property.)  
  
(As you all know, this is from Kagome's Diary, and she calls it You. If you want to send a reply, please send it to: surfin_loka@yahoo.com. If you want to check a cool Inu-Yasha site, go to . Thanx! ()  
  
Worst Day  
  
Dear You:  
  
I sob uncontrollably to my pillow. I hold it tight, as if I needed it to warm my heart, which seemed to have stopped beating in my mind.  
  
Did my feelings mean deceit? Have they betrayed me and left to whom they felt affection or anger, or the most strongest and inflicting emotions? Have I betrayed myself?  
  
It seems as if the world around me were all planning a plot, and this plot was meant to hurt and torture me.  
  
I have been cursed with Inu-Yasha's talkative silence. I feel his regard toward the more serious matters of his life, which didn't seem to be including me. I may weep like a child, but I am not a foolish one. I know what he feels for me, but I know that he has too much pride and reputation to come to me with loving words and kind emotions. He may be half human and half monstrosity, but both have a heart, and I know that love reigns in his.  
  
I mourn and sigh at the thought of Mother getting married. I couldn't bear to see her with such awful man. He is worthy of nothing. He is just an opportunity that came with the wind, which will take back what is rightfully his, as I hope, and take this fiancée of my Mother back with it.  
  
Life is just treating me like its slave, but a slave that doesn't crawl on the floor to get a gold coin. No. A slave that walks upright and will never slouch or lower her head. That is what I am.  
  
If I grow up to be a maid, I will serve. If I grow up to be a Mother of a family, let me teach manners and courtesy. If I grow up to be a teacher, let me teach and learn, and always instruct the best. But, from all that I can be and achieve, I could never teach what will never be let to waste: love, kindness, and respect.  
  
Many may say one could instruct these, but I think not. I could never teach love because feelings, true ones, can never be obliged onto a person. Kindness cannot be teached because, you can say that one should say, 'thank you' and ' how are you?' and 'may I help you?', but these would never mean anything at all if you didn't like the one that you would be kind to, because when you say these words, they have a meaning, and the meaning comes from the feeling, and the feeling comes from the heart.  
  
I could never teach respect, because I could say, 'respect the elderly' and 'respect your teachers', but they just don't mean anything without the feeling that you do not have, because you didn't gain it, one just told you to do it.  
  
Inu-Yasha thinks that what I think is wrong. He thinks that not everything should come from the heart, but I ask you, what value does what I say have? What value, if it does not come from the heart? In your exterior, you lie, and in your inside, you speak the truth, which may sting in the mouth when you arrange the words to speak. I see no point to life if it revolves around lies, lies that make others happy and make one sad. That is what I feel now. Pain to speak the truth, headache to speak a lie. I decided to make a vow, and not speak at all, but Inu-Yasha thinks it a personal insult. I ask, You, what may I do, if not weep, mourn, sob, cry, until life gives me a chance to see my mistakes' beginning.  
  
They may say that life will pass me by. No doubt it will! I do not dare to speak about this truth, for I will never admit it to anyone. Inu- Yasha is my love, and only You know. I can only trust You, You who will never tell me what is wrong and what is right. You, who does not offer any advice when I am in need. You, who may acknowledge anyone who may have the courage to open my private thoughts and feelings, lay their eyes on my life and suck away my happiness.  
  
Now I know that You are not so trustful, but why do I talk about what I knew since the beginning. I know the consequence of my actions, and I repeatedly remind myself of what morals I have to learn from my mistakes, but why, I ask, should I keep doing what I know might bring me sadness and days of more sorrows?  
  
I know why. Because I have been confident enough to write here, knowing someone could lay eyes on my life. Because I could not confide in anyone else but You. Because I know that if my life is spilled from my mouth into someone's knowledge, I know I will regret the second I opened my mouth and a sound came out of it.  
  
I can't believe that no one is trustful. That no one has offered me his or her helping hand. I am surprised that no one has seen me mourning in daylight, and sobbing at night.  
  
You can say that I am waiting for Inu-Yasha to tell me what he feels. I wish that he would come with open arms and hold me. Hold me tight and never let go. Tell me he misses me. Tell me he needs me. Tell me he loves me.  
  
I want all of this to come from his lips, because I miss him. I need him. I love him. I wish he would take me in his arms and kiss me. Kiss me forever and ever. Till death do us apart. That is what I want.  
  
I feel better already. I needed to write this or talk of this. It makes me feel better and.clean. Refreshed. I guess what they say about life treaty is right. Life does treat you better if you let it treat you at all.  
  
I have decided to go to the ocean and smell the ocean breeze, and dip my toes in the warm sand. I guess all I needed was a day off of all this traveling and Inu-Yasha nonsense. I do love him, but I will have to wait until he wants to tell me what he feels about me. He is all the contrary of a wave. He goes, but does not come back. He is unlike fresh ocean breeze. He does not delight you over and over again. He does not stay to stay. He stays to go. I wish I could turn him into the ocean breeze and waves. I wish he was truthful. I wish he was there for the taking. I would take him.  
  
Someone is calling me.  
  
I know someone is. Should I answer? No. Probably my Mother's awful fiancée. He always tries to make me smile. I can see through those devious thoughts of his. His cunning smile makes me want to puke. Scusukubakanaya! Thinking he can make a fool of me at school and at my own house? Thinking he can fool me into a death-ringing hug? Well, he may fool Mother, but he isn't going to fool me! He may fool Grandfather too, and Brother, but not me! Oh wind, I beg you! Please take this Teme back with you!  
  
Why must I suffer in my own family's home? Why? Life may be like this to me, but I am not giving up! I am going to survive this plot of all sorrounding me! I won't give in to temptations. I won't! Let God guide me through my destiny, which should show up whenever. I will wait as patiently as a hummingbird. You will see. I will survive.  
  
Kagome  
  
(Please send me a reply to my e-mail in the top of the page because I already made a new Kagome Diary) ( 


	2. Dreamy Day

(This is Kagome's Diary #2.Warning: This is not the sequel of Kagome's first diary. It doesn't have to do anything with the first one, even though it is in "her diary". If you like it, remember to reply to my e-mail, which is surfin_loka@yahoo.com. Thanx! ()  
  
Dreamy Day  
  
I loved today! Today was a great day! It is amazing like some days change your life entirely. Today was that kind of a day, at least for me it was.  
  
I don't feel sad anymore because I have a new friend, well, he's not really my friend, but he is my hero. He saved me from myself, from my unkind feeling toward everyone else but me. He saved me from my greed and envy for those around me. I thank life and destiny for putting him in my way.  
  
Last month I was taking care of the Shrine, when I see a cute dog. I ran to get it, but he fled from me. I thought of my friend, Eleanor, and she found a dog. He certainly didn't run from her. I felt envy and anger because she always got what she wanted, and all that I wanted too. I don't think I am ugly, nor scary, so why would the cute dog run away? I would run after it, even if it took me all day.  
  
So I did.  
  
Why did he run?  
  
I stopped running. Look at me, I thought, a pathetic girl running and scaring off an innocent and harmless dog.  
  
I whistled, and the dog did a sudden movement. He stopped running. I hurried my pace. He stayed, looking at me with eyes as big as moons shining like two beautiful pearls. I caught him and held him close to me. I petted him. He seemed to like me, so I decided to take him home.  
  
Mother noticed him right away, and, after a few questions, she let me keep him. I named him Ahsayuni. I don't even know why I named him that way. It was so strange. The name just appeared in my mind, just like stars that appear at night, lurking throughout the heavens, just peaking from the shadows.  
  
When I looked at Ahsayuni, I saw a special glow in his eyes. When I held him close, I felt a certain warmth inside of me. I felt love. I loved my dog. It seemed so strange, that feeling, when you love someone. He actually seemed human. I couldn't fall in love with a dog! It really seemed outrageous! It was preposterous, just like Grandfather would say.  
  
I decided to spend every waking moment with Ahsayuni. We played together, slept together, walked together, even bathed together! Mother started questioning me. She even suggested a psychiatrist. I told her it wasn't necessary.  
  
One month passed and we were even closer than ever. Now I did every single thing with him. I really felt attached to my dog, as if he was a part of my body.  
  
Today, I walked him to the park and told him I loved him, and it wasn't just "pet love", it was real, true love! And when I finished telling him what I felt about him, I saw some yellow sparks and he turned into a dog human, or something! He had a human face with dog-ears peeking out of the top of his head, which was covered with white and silver strands of hair that would go down his waist. He was wearing crimson red robes. He was on bare feet, right in front of me!  
  
I gaped stupidly at his eyes, which were a beautiful golden color. He was so beautiful!  
  
He asked me if I meant what I said. I told him I did, though I wanted to deny it and run away like a coward.  
  
He smiled, and as he did, I saw fangs.  
  
I got scared, but happy. He looked as if he was going to tell me to leave with him. I would, of course, say yes!  
  
He didn't say anything.  
  
He was leaving. I was going to loose him.  
  
He ran very fast. I tried running to catch up with him. I asked his name at the top of my lungs.  
  
He stopped running and he looked at me and held my two arms. He told me his name was Ahsayuni. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his. He kissed me really fast, and ran away.  
  
I fell, unconscious.  
  
When I woke up, I was still in the same place. I still remembered a bit, so I ran home and I wrote it, well, now! I don't know why, but I know I am going to forget everything in a matter of minutes.  
  
Mother told me to never pick a stray dog again. She also said that they are too much work and that Ahsayuni damaged my brain.  
  
What does she expect from me? I am only ten years old! Besides, how am I supposed to know that a cute dog may cause brain damage?  
  
Well, You may be wondering what does all this nonsense have to do with what I told You in the beginning. Well, I have stopped being mean and greedy because I've never really felt so loved in my whole life. I am not envying anyone anymore because I have been teached a lesson in love, true love that is. I felt true love with Ahsayuni, and I know he felt true love too. I wish I could see him again, or find the mysterious human-dog that teached me a valuable lesson in life.  
  
I hope he comes back to me. I hope he is thinking of me right now, and that he never forgets me. I wish he'd taken me with him. I bet he knew that I would miss Mother.  
  
I know I am not going to remember him in a couple of years, or minutes. I just sense it. May God do whatever he would like to happen. Oh, and one last thing.  
  
I love you, Ahsayuni!  
Kagome 


	3. What is love?

(Warning: This is not the sequel of the second Kagome Diary. If you like it, remember to reply to my e-mail, which is surfin_loka@yahoo.com. Thanx! ()  
  
What is Love?  
  
Dear You:  
  
It has been a long time since I've been in here. I haven't flipped the pages of my yesterdays. There may be some occasions when I have been as happy as a blooming flower, and some as sad as a dying one, and I do not wish to find out what has made me angry nor sad.  
  
I am appalled at Inu-Yasha's sense. He never has any, but today he amazed me with his wisdom, which I do not know where he gained.  
  
I thought his mocking words hurtful, at first, but they were not, because they were not mocking me at all. They were true words. Beautiful words that touched one's heart and soul, if one trusted the person who recited such message.  
  
The beginning of it all was when I explained my love troubles to Sango. She was not attentive at all, I recognized, because when I asked her what I should do, she offered me a mint, and as you may know, love does not have to do anything with mints, although I accepted her offer.  
  
Miroku and Inu-Yasha were gone to explore the forest close to where we were camping. Inu-Yasha was always with his Tetsusaiga at hand, which he thought he could exploit in the forest, which I knew was harmless because of my thorough forest exploring in my childhood. He, of course, didn't trust me or Sango, which has been in that forest looking for wood, and has not turned out invalid or unconscious, so we were sure it was safe, but we let them play forest rangers for awhile.  
  
I got frustrated after a long time of explaining, or at least trying to explain my very tragic problem, which Sango still didn't understand nor heard. She didn't try much either. She would just nod at every quote and agreed at every 'yes' and 'no' I would burst out. She got me tired because all she was doing was watching Miroku. Now I had a good excuse to get out of hearing her moan about life and injustice.  
  
I decided to talk to myself out loud so that she and every living and nonliving thing in the forest could hear me, but I found that this was a mistake because I was not talking, no, I was singing, and I didn't notice until Inu-Yasha, Sango, and Miroku's eyes where on me.  
  
I sang:  
  
If you are here, can you steal my heart? If you are here, take some time and rip my heart apart. If you are here, it's a miracle So take your time to hurt me again So I can feel the pain strain Again  
  
I want you to hurt me Because I can't see you anymore Because you can never see me There's never an open door for you to walk in Anymore  
  
If you are here, please try and Read my mind Because I know you haven't got much time I know you have to leave I know you have a trip Again, Again  
  
If you draw a line between us Can you at least hear me cry Because maybe I'll cry Because maybe I'll die  
  
And if you do have to leave Once again Could you at least say goodbye Before I see you're gone And cry And die And cry And die  
  
Because maybe I'll cry, Maybe I'll die Maybe I'll go and wave goodbye Or say hi Once again  
  
And then hike up my mountain Again Hike up Until I get to happiness And if I die in the way Could you pick my body up And feel its tears And feel my years Have gone by Again For you Again  
  
When I finished singing, Sango clapped, Miroku put his hands on his eyes, and Inu-Yasha stared at me like I were a shooting star. I felt awkward. I asked him what was he looking at, and he asked me if I felt sad, which he has never asked me before. I told him I did, but only a little bit. I felt uncomfortable as he sat beside me and told me that I would never understand the meaning of love because it was so deep, that shallow people would not understand. I felt insulted and asked him if I was shallow. He told me that he didn't mean what I understood. Sango started laughing and Miroku started using sarcasm against Inu-Yasha's words, which won his and my attention, and a new meaning to the word 'shallow' was drawn. A mocking meaning.  
  
Inu-Yasha and me started fighting, and Miroku and Sango were savoring the moment. It was their fault after all, so they didn't care at all. Inu- Yasha brought the love theme back into the conversation when I said that he didn't care about anything. He said that he did care about some things, like love, because he has fallen in love, but he didn't think it was true love. He said it was sissy love. There is no such thing as sissy love! That is what I replied to that little minded opinion of his. He said that he would never fall in true love with a person, unless he had known the person for a long time and that person knew and understanded what he had been through.  
  
Through all the commotion and screams, between our discussions about love and things that didn't matter, I had time to think of what Inu-Yasha replied every once in a while. He said some things that really amazed one if one heard with caution. He knew a lot about love, and he could really give advice that didn't hurt and made sense. He is a very intelligent hanyou, which is very alluring.  
  
When I said that he was just a misunderstood hanyou, who was really a considerate human, he flinched. He changed back to the ignorant and rebelled Inu-Yasha I have always heard, but I have to admit, I really like the compassionate and understanding Inu-Yasha. I really did.  
  
I wish Inu-Yasha were like this all the time, because he actually is a very nice hanyou if you whittle deep inside him. I liked that other side if his, where he actually took some time to know me and understand me, or at least discussed while he did.  
  
I do not really love anyone yet; at least I think I do not. I hope there aren't any love symptoms that show that you are truly in love, and if there are, I hope that I do not show any. I would feel very embarrassed if Inu-Yasha noticed that I was in love and I didn't even know.  
  
I tried to figure out the meaning of love, and I wrote a poem about it.  
  
It is like this:  
  
What is love? If not a call at the middle of the night, Of a person that holds all your pride Because you knew that you could confide In him or her any day  
  
What is love? If not a kiss when you're sad A feeling that makes you glad A tingle inside that makes you smile Even in the darkest hour  
  
What is love? But a smile that turns you 'round When you just want to scream out loud When you want to remember to forget But never forget to remember All the days that you and she or him spent together  
  
Can you tell me what is love? If I am completely wrong And if I took, just too long And just said rubbish All this time  
  
What is love? But a bond between two And a curse that may bloom All your soul and happiness too  
  
Then tell me, if you know And when I experience it I will tell you What I felt when I felt it And compare, if it's the same or less Of what I felt and you felt One day  
  
Well, that is about all I know for now of what I may feel when I do experience love, If I have yet experienced it. I feel truly blessed because of what all I have around that helped me write this poem. I thank Inu- Yasha, because, if one thinks about it, I started all this love thinking because of him, because he would be the person I least expected that could give me a lesson in love. Wherever he is, I thank him. He is a true friend, even if he does not admit it.  
  
Kagome  
  
(I hope you liked this Kagome Diary because I really liked it because this is a personal feeling that did happen to me, and that I wanted to share with all my "readers" in fan-fiction.)  
  
* 


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